Rules of the game Discuss this!
Fairplay in football
Basics of Football
Field of Play
The Ball
Number of Players
Equipment
Referee
Assistant referees
Duration fo the match
Start and restart of play
Scoring
Offside
Fouls and misconduct
Punishment for offences
Free kicks
Penalty kick
Throw-in
Goal kick
Corner kick
Further Reading
Prior to the FA’s foundation, each club adhered to their own regulations, and match rules were often only decided on the day. The meeting in 1863 saw the drawing up of a universal code which provided the foundations on which future amendments could be made. The current ‘laws of the game’ are monitored by the domestic Football Associations and FIFA. The following is an interpreted list of those laws, minus much of the detail which is applicable only to prospective referees and to ensure a particular game conforms exactly to official FIFA standards. If you want to educate yourself on the minutiae, check the FIFA official website.
Fairplay in football
Alongside the laws of the game, FIFA advocates a Fair Play programme. Based around a number of rules, typically involving abstract ideas, they are intended to inform footballers and spectators on proper behaviour on and off the field:
Play fair on the field.
Play to win but accept defeat properly.
Observe the Laws of the Game.
Respect everyone involved in the game.
Promote football’s interests.
Honour those who defend football’s reputation.
Reject any corruption, drugs, racism, violence and other harmful vices.
Help others to do exactly the same.
Denounce any who discredits the integrity of football.
Use football to make a better world.
Basics of football
At its core, football is a game with two teams of eleven players, played over the course of 90 minutes. This period is split into two 45-minute halves. The objective of the game is to score more ‘goals’ than the opposition. The term ‘goal’ refers to two areas either side of the pitch, each one defended by one of the teams. A ‘goal’ is scored by depositing the ball into the opponent’s area.
The Laws of the Game
Field of play
Football can be played on a natural or artificial (e.g. Astroturf) surface. However, the shape of the field must be rectangular, with the dimensions of 90-120 metres long by 45-90 metres wide. Notably, the guidelines for international matches are stricter (100-110 metres x 64-75 metres).
Goal Area: Starts 5.5 metres from each goalpost and extends 5.5 metres out, with the two lines joining vertically
Penalty Area: Starts 16.5 metres from each goalpost and extends 16.5 metres out, with the two lines joining vertically.
Flagpost: Placed at each corner, with a quarter-circle on the field (1 metre in radius).
Goals: 7.32 metre area between the posts, and 2.44 metres high. The posts cannot exceed 5 inches in width.
The ball
Naturally spherical, with a circumference of 27-28 inches.
Number of players
One of the eleven is classified as the goalkeeper and permitted to handle the ball in his team’s penalty area. The eleven players are supplemented by the option to bring on a maximum of three substitutes from a pre-decided list of three to seven players (the number of substitutes permitted is slightly higher for international friendly matches).
In order to bring on a substitute, the referee must first be informed and then there has to be a break in the play (for example, a free-kick or a throw-in). The substitute then comes on as a replacement for one of the 11 current players.
Equipment
Basic equipment is the team jersey, shorts, shinguards with socks and studded boots or trainers depending on the surface. The goalkeeper is also permitted gloves and a different coloured jersey for identification purposes.
Referee
The referee adjudicates the match in collaboration with two linesmen (properly referred to as ‘referee’s assistants’) and a fourth official, situated on the touchline, if necessary. The referee’s tasks include acting as a timekeeper (although with advice on the amount of ‘injury time’ to be added on to the 45 minutes each half to compensate for injuries and other stoppages), awarding free kicks and penalties and generally dealing with anything requiring a ruling. Can also choose to allow play to proceed in case of a foul, providing there is an ‘advantage’ to be gained by the team against which the foul has been committed.
Assistant referees
Follow play from their respective touch lines and help to decide on throw-ins, corner kicks and goalkicks along with offside decisions (although naturally the referee has the final say). Can also draw the referee’s attention and advise on or alert him/her to any on-field activity, which can influence all manner of decisions. To signify their decision or grab the referee’s attention, they wave a brightly coloured small flag, which they keep at all times.
Duration of the match
The match officially lasts 90 minutes, split into two 45-minute halves with a half-time interval of no longer than 15 minutes.
In the knock-out stages of competitions, extra-time is used if there is no winner after 90 minutes. This extra period is 30 minutes, split into two 15 minute halves. If extra-time does not find a winner, then a penalty shoot-out takes place, where five players from each team are selected and alternate shots on goal from the penalty spot against the opposition goalkeeper. In that instance, the team with the most successful penalties is declared the winner. If they are still tied then they will move on to sudden-death penalties, where each team will take one penalty until one of the two sides has scored move than the other after the side amount of spot kicks.
Start and restart of play
A coin toss takes place just before the game starts, the winner of which will get the choice of choosing which end to attack or whether to kick-off. Should they choose to kick-off then the other captain will be allowed elect which end to attack in the first half. Should the winner decide to choose which end to attack then the loser can choose whether to kick-off in the first or second half.
The kick-off is also used after a goal has been scored, the task befalling the team who has conceded, and for both halves of extra-time.
At the kick-off, players from each side must all be in their half of the field. The actual kick-off takes place on the centre spot in the centre circle. The player who kicks off cannot touch it again until another player has made contact.
Scoring
A team can only score if the whole ball crosses the goal line between the goalposts. The winner is the team who scores more goals, except in a competition where the ‘away goals’ rule applies. The ‘away goals’ rule means that, if a team scores a goal away from their home stadium, the goal counts extra (therefore, a 1-1 scoreline would mean the away team wins).
Offside
The perennial problem for newcomers to football is understanding the offside rule. This is made somewhat harder by the fact there are two elements to offsides in football; being in an offside position, and committing an offside offence.
To be in an offside position is to be closer to the opponent’s goal than the last opposition outfield player (therefore excluding the goalkeeper) and the ball. However, to commit an offside offence is to have the ball played forward towards you while in that position. As such, you can be in an offside position and not commit an offside offence.
The rule is further complicated by the fact the referee or his assistant must adjudge you to be ‘active’ in the play before giving an offside decision against you. This can be obvious, for example if you touch the ball in an offside position, but it can be extremely nebulous. The official rule states ‘active’ as meaning “interfering with play… or an opponent… or gaining an advantage by being in that position”. However, as you will find as you watch more and more games, what one referee or linesman considers to be active can be very different to another individual’s interpretation, and the offside rule is generally a major debating point.
There are other factors to consider which can exempt you from the offside rule. You cannot be offside in your own-half of the pitch, for example, and you cannot be penalised for being in an offside position when a goal kick, throw-in, indirect free kick or corner kick is taken.
Fouls and misconduct
A foul can take place anywhere on the pitch, and a free kick is awarded where that foul takes place (excepting fouls in the penalty area, which result in a penalty kick). The referee can choose simply to award the foul, speak to the player about his conduct or take matters further.
Punishment for offences
If the single infraction is deemed serious enough or the culprit persistently offends during a match, the referee can choose to take extra action against a particular individual:
Yellow Card - A ‘caution’ given to a player. If two of these cards are shown to the same player, it means a…
Red Card - Showing a red card to a player means he/she is expelled from the match. A straight red card (no previous ‘caution’) can be shown for extreme offences such as serious foul play, violent conduct, spitting, deliberate hand-ball to prevent a goal, a professional foul (denying a goalscoring opportunity) and insulting language and/or gestures.
Free kicks
Whenever a free kick is taken, the opposition must be at least 10 yards away from the ball until it is delivered. If this rule is not adhered to, the kick is retaken. There are two types of free kick awarded, depending on the nature of the offence:
Direct free kick - Allows the team to take a direct shot at the opponent’s goal. Awarded as a result of fouls with evidence intent to harm or reckless/excessive force (e.g. a sliding tackle which takes the player first, shirt-pulling and a deliberate hand-ball).
Indirect free kick - A direct strike on goal is not permitted, meaning any shot must come from the second player to touch the ball after the kick is taken. If a direct strike is successfully made on goal, a goal kick to the opposition is given. An indirect free kick is awarded for any foul which is dangerous or impedes an opponent.
An indirect free kick can be awarded in the case of a passback offence, a fairly uncommon foul in the game. This is given if one team’s player passes the ball to the keeper, who immediately picks it up rather than taking a touch with his feet. The free kick is subsequently taken wherever the goalkeeper picked the ball up.
Penalty kick
A penalty kick is awarded for offences taking place in the penalty and goal area. A nominated member of the team awarded the penalty is allowed a strike at goal from the penalty spot (see the image in the ‘field of play’ section), with only the goalkeeper to beat. The goalkeeper must remain on his line until the ball has been kicked, and all other players must be outside the area behind the penalty spot. After he has taken the kick, he cannot strike the ball again without another player touching the ball.
Throw-in
A throw-in is awarded when the whole ball crosses the touch line (conceded by the team who last touched the ball). It is delivered off the field of play with both hands and from behind and over the deliverer’s head. Otherwise it is deemed to be a ‘foul throw’ and a throw-in is given to the opposition. It cannot go direct to the goalkeeper’s hands (if on the same team) and you cannot score directly from a throw-in.
Goal kick
Awarded once the whole ball crosses the goal line if it last touched an opposition player. The ball is kicked from anywhere in the goal area outfield, but must cross the penalty area line.
Corner kick
Awarded once the whole ball crosses the goal line of the opposition, after last touching one of their players. Taken from the corner of whichever side the ball exited the field, in the prescribed quarter-circle space. Opponents must be 10 yards from the corner arc and the kicker cannot touch the ball a second time without contact from someone else beforehand (or the opponent receives an indirect free kick).
Further Reading
Referees
Yellow Cards
Red Cards
Penalty Kicks
Penalty Shoot Outs
Silver Goal
Golden Goal
www.talkfootball.co.uk/guides/football_formations.html
Wednesday 2 September 2009
FOOTBALL FORMATIONS
Talk Football » The Guide » Football Formations
Football Formations
As managers are unable to get on the field themselves, the formation is a vital way for them to enforce their vision on the players. The type of formation selected by the manager reflects the sort of football you can expect them to play, so understanding what the most commonly used formations signify is key to understanding football.
4-4-2 (Four Four Two) Formation
The most common and adaptable formation in modern football, the weakness of 4-4-2 is the gaps between the central defenders, midfielders and the strikers. As such, a huge burden is placed on the central midfield to augment defense and attack.
4-4-2 Formation
Precisely because of this all-round contribution, the wings play a vital role in spurring on attacks and supporting the strikers. This was evident in the approach of Manchester United and Arsenal during the late 1990s and early 2000s. The former utilised David Beckham and Gary Neville’s ability to deliver crosses from deep positions (as well as Beckham’s abilities from set-pieces), while the latter relied heavily on the goalscoring contributions both of right-winger Freddie Ljungberg and left-winger Robert Pires.
However, the two sides’ contrasting attitudes in central midfield reflects the subtle variations in the 4-4-2. Whereas Manchester United’s first-choice midfield of Paul Scholes and Roy Keane married a powerful but diminutive mixture of a goal-scoring attacking midfielder and a box-to-box tough-tackler, Arsenal emphasised a tall, powerful combination with their own tough-tackling box-to-box midfielder, Patrick Vieira, and a strict holding midfielder in Gilberto Silva.
4-5-1 (Four Five One) Formation
A formation which has grown in popularity in recent times, the 4-5-1 is fundamentally defensive, but can be tweaked to provide more of an offensive threat. The essential qualities of the 4-5-1 are a three-man central midfield and a lone striker, typically a target man. By packing the midfield, a technically strong passing side will come unstuck and provide opportunities for counter-attacking football. When on the attack, the 4-5-1 is heavily dependent on the wingers supporting the lone striker.
4-5-1 Formation
Perhaps the best illustration of 4-5-1 in full flow is Jose Mourinho’s system. Both as manager of FC Porto and Chelsea, Mourinho founded his sides on strong defensive line-ups and an excellent holding midfielder, while the attack relied on a hard-working front man and a goal-scorer in midfield. At Chelsea, his defensive stalwarts were the captain and central defender John Terry and the holding midfielder Claude Makélélé. Alongside the Frenchman, Frank Lampard provided the bulk of goals from central midfield, ably supported by Joe Cole and Arjen Robben on the wings and Didier Drogba’s efforts up front. The side was extremely successful, picking up back-to-back Premiership titles in 2005 and 2006, building on Mourinho’s previous achievement at Porto in winning the 2004 Champions League trophy.
4-3-3 (Four Three Three) Formation
In some ways, the 4-3-3 is covered in the description of the 4-5-1. However, whereas the 4-5-1 starts with the wingers supporting the central midfielders, the 4-3-3 encourages the wingers to act as true forwards and the formation generally emphasises attack more than defense.
4-3-3 Formation
This theory was put into action by Frank Rijkaard as manager of Barcelona. Faced with the problem of how to accommodate Ronaldinho, Samuel Eto’o and Lionel Messi, as well as a host of central midfielders, Rijkaard adopted a 4-3-3. The triangle up front of the aforementioned players was supported by a creative and defensive midfield backbone of the playmaker Xavi, the holding midfielder Edmilson and either Andrés Iniesta or Thiago Motta as an all-rounder. The side was hugely successful, picking up back-to-back La Liga titles in 2005 and 2006 and the Champions League trophy in 2006.
The ‘Diamond Formation’ (4-3-1-2 - Four Three One Two)
The diamond in the formation refers to the midfield, with an attacking midfielder and a holding midfielder employed and flanked by two wingers, who move in-field slightly to shore up the gaps in the centre. To cover for the lack of width in the side, the full-backs become wingbacks and start slightly higher up the pitch.
4-3-1-2 Formation
The diamond formation is typically associated with the World Cup-winning English national team in 1966, christened the ‘wingless wonders’. In recent times though, the employment of the diamond usually revolves around a single player. The Argentinian national side in the 2006 World Cup held an extremely fluid diamond formation which gave Juan Roman Riquelme space to instigate attacks, while AC Milan under Carlo Ancelotti in 2004 used the diamond to assist the Brazilian playmaker Kaká.
5-3-2 (Five Three Two) Formation
In theory, the 5-3-2 is a purely defensive-minded line-up. The three central defenders provide extra resoluteness, while the three in midfield are all located around the centre circle. There is also a notable gap between midfield and attack, and the wing-play is the sole responsibility of the fullbacks.
5-3-2 Formation
However, the most famous modern practitioners of this system, the 1990s West German national side, were no slouches in front of goal. On their way to the World Cup in 1990, they scored an exceptional 15 goals, with the midfielder Lothar Matthäus notching 4 on his own. As a result, the 5-3-2 is something of a tactical enigma, though rarely seen today
www.talkfootball.co.uk/guides/football_formations.html
Football Formations
As managers are unable to get on the field themselves, the formation is a vital way for them to enforce their vision on the players. The type of formation selected by the manager reflects the sort of football you can expect them to play, so understanding what the most commonly used formations signify is key to understanding football.
4-4-2 (Four Four Two) Formation
The most common and adaptable formation in modern football, the weakness of 4-4-2 is the gaps between the central defenders, midfielders and the strikers. As such, a huge burden is placed on the central midfield to augment defense and attack.
4-4-2 Formation
Precisely because of this all-round contribution, the wings play a vital role in spurring on attacks and supporting the strikers. This was evident in the approach of Manchester United and Arsenal during the late 1990s and early 2000s. The former utilised David Beckham and Gary Neville’s ability to deliver crosses from deep positions (as well as Beckham’s abilities from set-pieces), while the latter relied heavily on the goalscoring contributions both of right-winger Freddie Ljungberg and left-winger Robert Pires.
However, the two sides’ contrasting attitudes in central midfield reflects the subtle variations in the 4-4-2. Whereas Manchester United’s first-choice midfield of Paul Scholes and Roy Keane married a powerful but diminutive mixture of a goal-scoring attacking midfielder and a box-to-box tough-tackler, Arsenal emphasised a tall, powerful combination with their own tough-tackling box-to-box midfielder, Patrick Vieira, and a strict holding midfielder in Gilberto Silva.
4-5-1 (Four Five One) Formation
A formation which has grown in popularity in recent times, the 4-5-1 is fundamentally defensive, but can be tweaked to provide more of an offensive threat. The essential qualities of the 4-5-1 are a three-man central midfield and a lone striker, typically a target man. By packing the midfield, a technically strong passing side will come unstuck and provide opportunities for counter-attacking football. When on the attack, the 4-5-1 is heavily dependent on the wingers supporting the lone striker.
4-5-1 Formation
Perhaps the best illustration of 4-5-1 in full flow is Jose Mourinho’s system. Both as manager of FC Porto and Chelsea, Mourinho founded his sides on strong defensive line-ups and an excellent holding midfielder, while the attack relied on a hard-working front man and a goal-scorer in midfield. At Chelsea, his defensive stalwarts were the captain and central defender John Terry and the holding midfielder Claude Makélélé. Alongside the Frenchman, Frank Lampard provided the bulk of goals from central midfield, ably supported by Joe Cole and Arjen Robben on the wings and Didier Drogba’s efforts up front. The side was extremely successful, picking up back-to-back Premiership titles in 2005 and 2006, building on Mourinho’s previous achievement at Porto in winning the 2004 Champions League trophy.
4-3-3 (Four Three Three) Formation
In some ways, the 4-3-3 is covered in the description of the 4-5-1. However, whereas the 4-5-1 starts with the wingers supporting the central midfielders, the 4-3-3 encourages the wingers to act as true forwards and the formation generally emphasises attack more than defense.
4-3-3 Formation
This theory was put into action by Frank Rijkaard as manager of Barcelona. Faced with the problem of how to accommodate Ronaldinho, Samuel Eto’o and Lionel Messi, as well as a host of central midfielders, Rijkaard adopted a 4-3-3. The triangle up front of the aforementioned players was supported by a creative and defensive midfield backbone of the playmaker Xavi, the holding midfielder Edmilson and either Andrés Iniesta or Thiago Motta as an all-rounder. The side was hugely successful, picking up back-to-back La Liga titles in 2005 and 2006 and the Champions League trophy in 2006.
The ‘Diamond Formation’ (4-3-1-2 - Four Three One Two)
The diamond in the formation refers to the midfield, with an attacking midfielder and a holding midfielder employed and flanked by two wingers, who move in-field slightly to shore up the gaps in the centre. To cover for the lack of width in the side, the full-backs become wingbacks and start slightly higher up the pitch.
4-3-1-2 Formation
The diamond formation is typically associated with the World Cup-winning English national team in 1966, christened the ‘wingless wonders’. In recent times though, the employment of the diamond usually revolves around a single player. The Argentinian national side in the 2006 World Cup held an extremely fluid diamond formation which gave Juan Roman Riquelme space to instigate attacks, while AC Milan under Carlo Ancelotti in 2004 used the diamond to assist the Brazilian playmaker Kaká.
5-3-2 (Five Three Two) Formation
In theory, the 5-3-2 is a purely defensive-minded line-up. The three central defenders provide extra resoluteness, while the three in midfield are all located around the centre circle. There is also a notable gap between midfield and attack, and the wing-play is the sole responsibility of the fullbacks.
5-3-2 Formation
However, the most famous modern practitioners of this system, the 1990s West German national side, were no slouches in front of goal. On their way to the World Cup in 1990, they scored an exceptional 15 goals, with the midfielder Lothar Matthäus notching 4 on his own. As a result, the 5-3-2 is something of a tactical enigma, though rarely seen today
www.talkfootball.co.uk/guides/football_formations.html
The 50 worst things about modern football
otball is one of the greatest things in the world but it’s not perfect. It used to be perfect. Before money and television and the Bosman ruling and Baby Bentleys and roastings and tattoos and takeovers and no standing and agents and prawn sandwiches and rotation.
These are the 50 worst things about modern football. It could have been 500.
50. Technical areas
Did Bob Paisley need a technical area when Liverpool won three European Cups and six league titles? Did Alf Ramsey need a technical area when England won the World Cup? What’s so technical about a bit of grass and some white lines, anyway? Memo to all modern managers: Sit down and shut up.
49. Motorway service stations
You pop in to go to the toilet and five minutes later you’ve bought a full-English breakfast for £18.99 and joined the AA.
48. Transfer windows
Imagine if you could only do your shopping twice a year - once in January and then in June, July and August. What would happen? You’d have a fridge full of beer and you’d run out of toilet paper. It wouldn’t work in real life and it doesn’t work in football.
47. Squad numbers
Remember the days when the best player was No 10 and goalkeepers were No 1? Not any more. Thanks to someone at the Premier League watching an American football game, players can have any number they want. George Bowyer is Rochdale’s No 33, Ronaldinho is AC Milan’s No 80 and William Gallas is Arsenal’s No 10. Why? There comes a time in every player’s life when he decides – or his agent tells him – to write his life story. A couple of interviews with a ghostwriter later and hey presto we have 200 pages of guff and absolutely zero interest from the book-buying public. Wayne Rooney has already written two books. That’s one more than he’s read.
45. Craig Bellamy
He’s gobby, he’s played for 842 clubs, he’s covered in tattoos and he earns £90,000 a week. What’s not to like?
44. Undisclosed transfer fees
If you’re going to spend some of my hard-earned season ticket money on a player I’ve never heard of, I want to know how much he cost. I’m not interested in add-ons or projected fees. I just want a number. Any number will do.
43. Statistics
American obsession that is gradually weaving itself into the fabric of our national game. Do you care how many assists Wayne Rooney has this season? Do you care how many passes Steve Gerrard has completed in the final third? Do you care if Gareth Barry’s tackle win ratio has dropped off since Christmas? Thought not. There’s only one stat that matters. The score.
42. By mutual consent
Three of the most meaningless words in the English language. Either the manager resigned or he was sacked. Just tell us the truth, we can handle it.
41. Fans who complain when games are called off
Were little white things falling out of the sky when you walked to the car this morning? Was the pavement a bit slippery? If the answer to both these questions is yes, there’s a good chance the game’s going to be called off. It’s not the referee’s fault, it’s not the FA’s fault and it’s not the groundsman’s fault. Some things just weren’t meant to be.
40. Gloves This is England, not Siberia. Your hands will warm up if you run around for five minutes.
39. The fat bloke in row P
Go to any football ground anywhere in England and there will be a fat bloke in your row who will a) arrive late b) talk rubbish c) leave five minutes before half time d) come back five minutes after the game has restarted e) talk rubbish f) leave five minutes before the game has finished.
38. The manager's programme column
“First off I’d like to say a big welcome to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah we were robbed last week blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the lads have been training brilliantly blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah get behind the lads today blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Enjoy the game.”
37. Formations
Yawn. 4-4-1-1, 4-3-2-1, 4-3-3, 4-1-4-1, 4-2-3-1, 3-5-2, 4-2-1-3. Can’t we just knock it up to the big bloke and get the little bloke to bang it in?
36. Chelsea
The new Manchester United.
35. Sky Sports News
The television station that thinks John Carew’s ingrowing toenail responding to treatment is breaking news. Is Sky Sports News the greatest invention known to man or a drug more addictive than crack? We’ll be back after the break.
34. trainline.com If you fancy following your team around the country by public transport, don’t bother with one of the worst websites in the world. Try telling it you want a train from Manchester to London on Saturday night - journey time 2 hours 30 minutes. No problem. Get the 21:06 to Birmingham New Street. Then jump on 22:53 to Northampton. Then hop on the 04:58 bus to Leighton Buzzard. Then hop on the 06.44 bus to London. With any luck you’ll be in Euston at 8 o’clock on Sunday morning – journey time 11 hours.
33. Added time
“The fourth official has indicated that there will be three minutes of added time”. So what? We got along just fine without a bloke in a tracksuit holding up a big No 3 at a quarter to five every Saturday.
32. Joey Barton
We don’t like to kick a man when he’s down, but he did, so here goes. Type “Joey Barton Scum” into google and you get 30,500 results.
31. Official statements
Did Robinho really say, “I am committed to helping Manchester City become the force the owners assured me they would become”? Maybe one of his agents typed it into his Blackberry. Robinho doesn’t know what “committed” or “assured” mean because he doesn’t speak English.
30. Match Of The Day
Used to be the best programme on TV. Now, it’s the best football highlights show on TV on Saturday nights.
29. Electronic pitchside advertising boards
Next time you go to Old Trafford make sure you take some sunglasses, otherwise you’ll be blinded by the light from the adverts on the TV screens wrapped around the pitch. A word of advice for the skinny latte-sipping Soho adman who came up with this idea: We can’t afford a new Audi. We’re here for the football and the beer.
28. Referee's assistants They’re linesmen. End of.
27. Hi-tech dugouts
Minutes from Manchester United board meeting May 2007: Sir Alex Ferguson requested that the board sanction the removal of the plastic seats in the home and away dugouts at Old Trafford. The manager wants them replaced with leather racing car seats like the ones they have in Porsches and Ferraris. Sir Bobby said that was ridiculous. Sir Alex told Sir Bobby to shut up.
26. The fourth official
Pointless – like Luton Town until last Saturday.
25. Club shops
Empires of tat and greed that make your local Poundstretcher look like Harrods. The club shop at the Emirates Stadium has a special section for Arsenal presents for your dog. The Stamford Bridge megastore sells Chelsea Christmas crackers – £10.43 for a pack of six – and Manchester United have ventured into the toiletries market. Ever fancied washing your hair with Manchester United shampoo and conditioner? Now you can. For £9.99.
24. Media training
All Premier League players and managers are given media training to make sure that they never say anything remotely interesting when someone puts a microphone in front of them. Now you know why they’re taking one game at a time, why they didn’t see their captain punch one of his team-mates, why they haven’t thrown in the towel yet and why everything is going to be terrific.
23. Kaka
If he’s not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him £173,000 a week?
22. Let Me Entertain You Atrocious Robbie Williams song that has ruined the build-up to every single football game in the world since it was released in 1998.
21. Points deductions
This is England, not Italy. Deducting points from teams because they failed to comply with the Football League’s insolvency rules or because they paid agents through a holding company has turned the bottom of League Two into a joke. Luton Town started the season on minus 30 points. The team at the bottom of the table should be the worst side in the league, not the club with the idiot accountant.
20. Official club websites
Good for getting directions to the ground, but not much else.
19. ITV
We haven’t forgotten about the ITV Digital disaster and your FA Cup coverage isn’t much to shout about either.
18. Opinions
We live in an “Everyone’s entitled to my opinion” kind of world and when it comes to football, everyone’s got one. Rafa’s God. Rafa’s an idiot. Becks is past it. No, he’s not. How can Kaka be worth £100 million? Yeh, but you’d pay £45 to see him play. Stevie G and Lamps can’t play together. But they’re the best we’ve got. Can’t we all just shut up and watch the game?
17. Brazil
The greatest team in the world have become football’s Harlem Globetrotters. Ronaldinho and Co have played only one friendly in Brazil in the past 2 ½ years. In the meantime they’ve put on a show in Oslo, Kuwait, Stockholm, London (four, about to be five, times), Basel, Gothenburg, Dortmund, Montpellier, Chicago, Boston, Dublin, Seattle and Boston. Ker-ching.
16. Internet message boards My team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No. my team’s better than yours. Repeat until the world ends.
15. Tattoos
When we were kids only sailors and binmen had tattoos. Now, you can’t walk into a dressing-room without being blinded by Celtic crosses, barbed wire, angels, Chinese proverbs, the name of everyone’s kids, the name of everyone’s kids in Hebrew, the name of everyone’s wife, the name of everyone’s wife in Latin, a couple of Welsh dragons and Steve Sidwell’s marriage vows.
14. Superagents
How does an agent become a superagent? Make a few phone calls, get friendly with Roman Abramovich and buy a flat in Knightsbridge.
13. Injuries
“We’re down to the bare bones” and it’s not surprising considering that modern-day footballers are about as tough and durable as a Ming vase. Half of them can’t run without pulling a hamstring and the other half can’t tackle with breaking a metatarsal. What’s a hamstring anyway? And how come Bobby Moore never pulled one?
12. Manchester City
The new Chelsea.
11. Kick-off times
Football used to be played at three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. Now it’s played when it suits Sky and Setanta.
10. Goal celebration music Listen. Very. Carefully. We. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. I. Feel. Good. Chelsea. Dagger. Or. Song. Two. Every. Time. Someone. Scores. A. Goal. Got. That?
9. The FA Cup
When was the last time a milkman lifted the FA Cup? When was the last time a postman scored at Wembley? There’s nothing romantic about a competition which ends every year with a bloke who earns £100,000 a week lifting a trophy that he doesn’t really give a monkey’s about.
8. Takeovers
In the old days all you needed to support your local club was a scarf and rattle, but these days you need a degree in economics, an MBA and a subscription to the Financial Times. Come back all you butchers, car dealers, property developers and local boys made good – all is forgiven.
7. Wembley Stadium
The old Wembley Stadium had it all. Players dreamed of playing there and supporters dreamed of going there - even if the toilets smelled a bit funny. Then some bright spark at the FA thought it would be a good idea to knock down the most famous football stadium in the world and replace it with an £800 million concrete box and a pointless arch. Best stadium in the world? Thanks to Arsenal’s new ground, the new Wembley’s not even the best stadium in North London.
6. Radio phone-in shows
“The next caller is Gary from Guildford. What do you want to get off your chest, Gary?”
“Well, Alan. I think Rafa’s got to go. How can you leave Torres on the bench when you need three points? And as for that ref, he’s got to be the worst ref I’ve ever seen.”
“Were you at the game, Gary?”
“No.”
5. Rotation
You pay £50 for a ticket, you spend £10 on a pint of beer and a hotdog and you get to watch a kickabout between a bunch of kids no-one’s ever heard of. Thanks Arsene. Thanks Rafa. Thanks Alex. Nice to know you care.
4. New stadium
Where would you rather watch a game? Maine Road or the City of Manchester Stadium? The Baseball Ground or Pride Park? Highfield Road or The Ricoh Arena? The Dell or St Mary’s? Filbert Street or The Walkers Stadium? Nice prawn sandwiches, though.
3. The Champions League
What’s changed since the European Cup turned into the Champions League in 1992? Everything. If you won the European Cup, you were the best team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone £700 million.
2. The Premier League
What’s changed since the Premier League broke away from the Football League in 1992? Everything. If you won the First Division title, you were the best team in England. If you win the Premier League, you owe someone £500 million.
1. Television
The monster that ate football.
These are the 50 worst things about modern football. It could have been 500.
50. Technical areas
Did Bob Paisley need a technical area when Liverpool won three European Cups and six league titles? Did Alf Ramsey need a technical area when England won the World Cup? What’s so technical about a bit of grass and some white lines, anyway? Memo to all modern managers: Sit down and shut up.
49. Motorway service stations
You pop in to go to the toilet and five minutes later you’ve bought a full-English breakfast for £18.99 and joined the AA.
48. Transfer windows
Imagine if you could only do your shopping twice a year - once in January and then in June, July and August. What would happen? You’d have a fridge full of beer and you’d run out of toilet paper. It wouldn’t work in real life and it doesn’t work in football.
47. Squad numbers
Remember the days when the best player was No 10 and goalkeepers were No 1? Not any more. Thanks to someone at the Premier League watching an American football game, players can have any number they want. George Bowyer is Rochdale’s No 33, Ronaldinho is AC Milan’s No 80 and William Gallas is Arsenal’s No 10. Why? There comes a time in every player’s life when he decides – or his agent tells him – to write his life story. A couple of interviews with a ghostwriter later and hey presto we have 200 pages of guff and absolutely zero interest from the book-buying public. Wayne Rooney has already written two books. That’s one more than he’s read.
45. Craig Bellamy
He’s gobby, he’s played for 842 clubs, he’s covered in tattoos and he earns £90,000 a week. What’s not to like?
44. Undisclosed transfer fees
If you’re going to spend some of my hard-earned season ticket money on a player I’ve never heard of, I want to know how much he cost. I’m not interested in add-ons or projected fees. I just want a number. Any number will do.
43. Statistics
American obsession that is gradually weaving itself into the fabric of our national game. Do you care how many assists Wayne Rooney has this season? Do you care how many passes Steve Gerrard has completed in the final third? Do you care if Gareth Barry’s tackle win ratio has dropped off since Christmas? Thought not. There’s only one stat that matters. The score.
42. By mutual consent
Three of the most meaningless words in the English language. Either the manager resigned or he was sacked. Just tell us the truth, we can handle it.
41. Fans who complain when games are called off
Were little white things falling out of the sky when you walked to the car this morning? Was the pavement a bit slippery? If the answer to both these questions is yes, there’s a good chance the game’s going to be called off. It’s not the referee’s fault, it’s not the FA’s fault and it’s not the groundsman’s fault. Some things just weren’t meant to be.
40. Gloves This is England, not Siberia. Your hands will warm up if you run around for five minutes.
39. The fat bloke in row P
Go to any football ground anywhere in England and there will be a fat bloke in your row who will a) arrive late b) talk rubbish c) leave five minutes before half time d) come back five minutes after the game has restarted e) talk rubbish f) leave five minutes before the game has finished.
38. The manager's programme column
“First off I’d like to say a big welcome to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah we were robbed last week blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the lads have been training brilliantly blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah get behind the lads today blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Enjoy the game.”
37. Formations
Yawn. 4-4-1-1, 4-3-2-1, 4-3-3, 4-1-4-1, 4-2-3-1, 3-5-2, 4-2-1-3. Can’t we just knock it up to the big bloke and get the little bloke to bang it in?
36. Chelsea
The new Manchester United.
35. Sky Sports News
The television station that thinks John Carew’s ingrowing toenail responding to treatment is breaking news. Is Sky Sports News the greatest invention known to man or a drug more addictive than crack? We’ll be back after the break.
34. trainline.com If you fancy following your team around the country by public transport, don’t bother with one of the worst websites in the world. Try telling it you want a train from Manchester to London on Saturday night - journey time 2 hours 30 minutes. No problem. Get the 21:06 to Birmingham New Street. Then jump on 22:53 to Northampton. Then hop on the 04:58 bus to Leighton Buzzard. Then hop on the 06.44 bus to London. With any luck you’ll be in Euston at 8 o’clock on Sunday morning – journey time 11 hours.
33. Added time
“The fourth official has indicated that there will be three minutes of added time”. So what? We got along just fine without a bloke in a tracksuit holding up a big No 3 at a quarter to five every Saturday.
32. Joey Barton
We don’t like to kick a man when he’s down, but he did, so here goes. Type “Joey Barton Scum” into google and you get 30,500 results.
31. Official statements
Did Robinho really say, “I am committed to helping Manchester City become the force the owners assured me they would become”? Maybe one of his agents typed it into his Blackberry. Robinho doesn’t know what “committed” or “assured” mean because he doesn’t speak English.
30. Match Of The Day
Used to be the best programme on TV. Now, it’s the best football highlights show on TV on Saturday nights.
29. Electronic pitchside advertising boards
Next time you go to Old Trafford make sure you take some sunglasses, otherwise you’ll be blinded by the light from the adverts on the TV screens wrapped around the pitch. A word of advice for the skinny latte-sipping Soho adman who came up with this idea: We can’t afford a new Audi. We’re here for the football and the beer.
28. Referee's assistants They’re linesmen. End of.
27. Hi-tech dugouts
Minutes from Manchester United board meeting May 2007: Sir Alex Ferguson requested that the board sanction the removal of the plastic seats in the home and away dugouts at Old Trafford. The manager wants them replaced with leather racing car seats like the ones they have in Porsches and Ferraris. Sir Bobby said that was ridiculous. Sir Alex told Sir Bobby to shut up.
26. The fourth official
Pointless – like Luton Town until last Saturday.
25. Club shops
Empires of tat and greed that make your local Poundstretcher look like Harrods. The club shop at the Emirates Stadium has a special section for Arsenal presents for your dog. The Stamford Bridge megastore sells Chelsea Christmas crackers – £10.43 for a pack of six – and Manchester United have ventured into the toiletries market. Ever fancied washing your hair with Manchester United shampoo and conditioner? Now you can. For £9.99.
24. Media training
All Premier League players and managers are given media training to make sure that they never say anything remotely interesting when someone puts a microphone in front of them. Now you know why they’re taking one game at a time, why they didn’t see their captain punch one of his team-mates, why they haven’t thrown in the towel yet and why everything is going to be terrific.
23. Kaka
If he’s not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him £173,000 a week?
22. Let Me Entertain You Atrocious Robbie Williams song that has ruined the build-up to every single football game in the world since it was released in 1998.
21. Points deductions
This is England, not Italy. Deducting points from teams because they failed to comply with the Football League’s insolvency rules or because they paid agents through a holding company has turned the bottom of League Two into a joke. Luton Town started the season on minus 30 points. The team at the bottom of the table should be the worst side in the league, not the club with the idiot accountant.
20. Official club websites
Good for getting directions to the ground, but not much else.
19. ITV
We haven’t forgotten about the ITV Digital disaster and your FA Cup coverage isn’t much to shout about either.
18. Opinions
We live in an “Everyone’s entitled to my opinion” kind of world and when it comes to football, everyone’s got one. Rafa’s God. Rafa’s an idiot. Becks is past it. No, he’s not. How can Kaka be worth £100 million? Yeh, but you’d pay £45 to see him play. Stevie G and Lamps can’t play together. But they’re the best we’ve got. Can’t we all just shut up and watch the game?
17. Brazil
The greatest team in the world have become football’s Harlem Globetrotters. Ronaldinho and Co have played only one friendly in Brazil in the past 2 ½ years. In the meantime they’ve put on a show in Oslo, Kuwait, Stockholm, London (four, about to be five, times), Basel, Gothenburg, Dortmund, Montpellier, Chicago, Boston, Dublin, Seattle and Boston. Ker-ching.
16. Internet message boards My team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No. my team’s better than yours. Repeat until the world ends.
15. Tattoos
When we were kids only sailors and binmen had tattoos. Now, you can’t walk into a dressing-room without being blinded by Celtic crosses, barbed wire, angels, Chinese proverbs, the name of everyone’s kids, the name of everyone’s kids in Hebrew, the name of everyone’s wife, the name of everyone’s wife in Latin, a couple of Welsh dragons and Steve Sidwell’s marriage vows.
14. Superagents
How does an agent become a superagent? Make a few phone calls, get friendly with Roman Abramovich and buy a flat in Knightsbridge.
13. Injuries
“We’re down to the bare bones” and it’s not surprising considering that modern-day footballers are about as tough and durable as a Ming vase. Half of them can’t run without pulling a hamstring and the other half can’t tackle with breaking a metatarsal. What’s a hamstring anyway? And how come Bobby Moore never pulled one?
12. Manchester City
The new Chelsea.
11. Kick-off times
Football used to be played at three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. Now it’s played when it suits Sky and Setanta.
10. Goal celebration music Listen. Very. Carefully. We. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. I. Feel. Good. Chelsea. Dagger. Or. Song. Two. Every. Time. Someone. Scores. A. Goal. Got. That?
9. The FA Cup
When was the last time a milkman lifted the FA Cup? When was the last time a postman scored at Wembley? There’s nothing romantic about a competition which ends every year with a bloke who earns £100,000 a week lifting a trophy that he doesn’t really give a monkey’s about.
8. Takeovers
In the old days all you needed to support your local club was a scarf and rattle, but these days you need a degree in economics, an MBA and a subscription to the Financial Times. Come back all you butchers, car dealers, property developers and local boys made good – all is forgiven.
7. Wembley Stadium
The old Wembley Stadium had it all. Players dreamed of playing there and supporters dreamed of going there - even if the toilets smelled a bit funny. Then some bright spark at the FA thought it would be a good idea to knock down the most famous football stadium in the world and replace it with an £800 million concrete box and a pointless arch. Best stadium in the world? Thanks to Arsenal’s new ground, the new Wembley’s not even the best stadium in North London.
6. Radio phone-in shows
“The next caller is Gary from Guildford. What do you want to get off your chest, Gary?”
“Well, Alan. I think Rafa’s got to go. How can you leave Torres on the bench when you need three points? And as for that ref, he’s got to be the worst ref I’ve ever seen.”
“Were you at the game, Gary?”
“No.”
5. Rotation
You pay £50 for a ticket, you spend £10 on a pint of beer and a hotdog and you get to watch a kickabout between a bunch of kids no-one’s ever heard of. Thanks Arsene. Thanks Rafa. Thanks Alex. Nice to know you care.
4. New stadium
Where would you rather watch a game? Maine Road or the City of Manchester Stadium? The Baseball Ground or Pride Park? Highfield Road or The Ricoh Arena? The Dell or St Mary’s? Filbert Street or The Walkers Stadium? Nice prawn sandwiches, though.
3. The Champions League
What’s changed since the European Cup turned into the Champions League in 1992? Everything. If you won the European Cup, you were the best team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone £700 million.
2. The Premier League
What’s changed since the Premier League broke away from the Football League in 1992? Everything. If you won the First Division title, you were the best team in England. If you win the Premier League, you owe someone £500 million.
1. Television
The monster that ate football.
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